I’m not sure WHY everybody thinks it’s so weird that I followed my 16 yr old daughter to school after she first got her drivers license. I mean for crying out loud, doesn’t everybody?!! What do people expect me to do – thrust my tiny child (her is only 5 feet tall) onto the absolute maniac streets alone?! What if she gets lost? She doesn’t have momma there to point out where to turn, when to pass, which way to go is the most efficient!? I mean seriously, after all, she is a real deal blond. Just saying….
There are real live dangers in today’s world…What if she stops for gas and is kidnapped by the gas attendant? It’s possible. Her is very cute after all….
What if she is mowed over by some buffoon half awake truck driver?!!!
With all these concerns, you can see why I followed my child to school everyday for a week. Now if you think this is weird, I’m supposing you will think what I did next was really weird.
My friend MK told me about a phone app called Find Friends That way, a parent could see where their child is at all times. I don’t look at it as being overbearing more as I see it as taking a protective measure.
My child absolutely refused to keep the app on her phone. “You don’t trust me!” She wailed! “Nobody else has to do it!! And you’re the ONLY freak mom who followed her child to school every day!”
Her was completely uncooperative.
So as a single momma, I had to get forceful. “If you don’t install the app, I’m taking your phone away.” I informed my child.
Now this had her lil ears perked up. So she installed the app and the next day, I gleefully dashed to my new app and imagine my surprise when I discovered it was installed on MY phone so I could where I was but somehow she managed to uninstall the app on her own phone.
I took her stinking phone.
You can’t imagine how fast that app returned to not only my phone but Izzys too.
So a couple of weeks later, I am truly enjoying the Find Friends App. I look to make sure she has made it to school in the mornings and in the afternoon, I watch as the dot shows me she is at the mall safely. It’s a very cool app. I even go so far as to inform her when I notice that she is in Dillard’s, that she doesn’t need to spend her lil money. I also give her gentle reminder texts such as “Mommy sees that you are Sonic. Don’t spoil your dinner!”
One would think that a child would appreciate such love and concern….
Izzy does not. I think her exact words are “you need to get a life instead of following me around..”
The other morning we had a lil spat before school. Izzy stormed out the door and headed to school. Even though It wasn’t a huge tiff, I was a lil worried. “What if she is so upset, she forgets there is a school zone one street over from us and she speeds right through it?! What if she has a wreck?!”
My heart begins to race.
I quickly dash to my phone to make sure she is safely at school. I Text. Text. Text. No answer. The lil dot on my app shows me she is clearly NOT at school. She is strangely stuck one street over. “She’s probably been pulled over and is hysterical by now!!” I tell myself.
And then I become hysterical myself thinking thoughts like “I bet that policeman is being so mean to her, she’s probably sobbing; embarrassed and needs her momma!! BULLY POLICEMAN!!!!!” I try to take deep breaths. I call her once. Twice. “I bet that policeman has intimated her so much, she’s forgotten what to do if she gets pulled over!” (We’ve rehearsed several times) Or worse yet. There has been accident.
20 Minutes pass by since she has left the house.
The dot does NOT move…. It is still strangely stuck in one place …
I can take it no longer. I dash out the house with my pajamas still on, my sons ski jacket and UGG boots. I tear down the street. The phone rings and its Izzy. I snatch the phone up “Izzy, it’s ok, I know exactly where you are and mommy will be there in 30 seconds! Don’t panic!!!”
Izzy answers me: “Huh? What did you say, I can’t hear you with all these people in the hall. And why do you keep texting and calling me? I’m in class mom….”
“Errrrrrrrr. Ummmmmm ok. So you’re not in a wreck right around the corner?” I ask, all aspirated. “But the dot, I’ve been staring at the dot on my app all morning and it’s like strangely stuck in one place and it won’t move forward.”
“Uh no, mom. I’m at school… I’m totally fine. As far as that dot being strangely stuck and not moving forward….I dunno. Reset it and move on.”
I hung up the phone and realized maybe it’s ME that’s strangely stuck; worrying too much about my lil girl growing up. She’s not two years old anymore …. Time to reset my way of thinking and get my own dot moving along the road once again.
So I joined this new life coaching class called Pilgrim Souls which I really look forward to each Tuesday. When our leader, Tara, gave us homework, I was thrilled!
FYI: I’m a freak like that.
Anyhoo, we are supposed to say a Meta Prayer every day at 2:00 (which is cool thinking we would all be praying at the same time) and if we miss the 2:00 time slot, it was OK. It was even OK to miss a day.
****But, NOT two days… Tara looked at ME eyeball to eyeball and smiled with her big blue eyes twinkling as she repeated the words “it’s OK to miss one day but NOT two days…”
Tara smiled. I gulped. Immediately, my mind went racing. “Did somebody rat me out already and tell Tara how forgetful and downright blond I truly am? YIKES! Don’t let the group down, Sissie! PRAY! PRAY! PRAY! Immediately, I am determined not to miss my 2:00 time slot, so I program it in my phone for every single day. (And might I add this was done without the help of my children?! Miracles do happen after all.)
Here is a Meta Prayer she gave us:
~ May I be filled with love and kindness
~ May I be well
~ May I be peaceful and at ease
~ May I be happy
The rules are of such:
- Pray for yourself (Yay!)
- Pray for someone who is easy to love (More Yay! My children, friends and family!)
- Pray for someone who is neutral (The single mother struggling to save money for her root canal or even the old lady who sits in front of me at church with her tags sticking out; the same one who always forgets to use a mirror to check the back of her hair before she leaves the house – bless her heart!)
- Pray for someone who is HARD to love (GASP, choke back vomit in my throat)
- Pray for everybody (As in a group. Like Pilgrim Souls or Make a Wish foundation, Ronald McDonald house etc.)
- Schedule it.
- Consider it.
- Really, really mean to get around to it…
Believe me, my friend, this is how NOT to pray!
At least for moi.
I tried to be disciplined. Then I must get forceful with myself when I discover that I have missed my 2:00 meta prayer …the very first day!
“You idiot, quit trying to be all Zen and wait for the perfect quiet time?!?! Sheesh! How about just DO IT? If not, then you will become one of the ‘well meaners, really, really intended to do it ‘ers’ whose Phone beeps at them in the Target line signaling it’s 2:00, PRAY! And even though I truly considered praying the quick prayer, I stop myself because I’m like… “No, the lady behind me is hacking and she may spray germs on me if I pause to pray – I haven’t gotten sick in years – whoop whoop!
Or maybe “No I can’t pray right now because the check out dude is not properly handling my new beige colored lamp shades and if I pause to pray, he may bend one and / or drop it. Whoopsie – there it goes tumbling across the floor and into the mini Pizza Hut line?!” No way! No Pizza Hut grease on these new babies!
I decide to pray as I am walking to my car. Once in the parking lot, I am once again delayed. Not my fault. Of course.
FYI: I do not suggest walking and praying as you may possibly find that there is absolutely no time to even catch your breath because of the venomous hisses you must expel at the 87 year old granny who nearly takes you out in her navy Buick, thus making you hurl your brand new beige lampshade through the air in hopes it catches her attention and not your left leg. It was just too much of a risk, you tell yourself. You can say a quickie prayer in the Chic-Fil-A line instead.
Wrapped around the Chic-Fil-A building, You find yourself thinking: Wow is this line long?!?! Excruciating? Yes. BUT Plenty of time to pray! YAY! Once I order, I find it hard not to imagine how much money these people are racking in?!?! Look at all these hungry mini vans! It’s amazing! And why shouldn’t they be racking up? It is so clean – why cleaner than my very own kitchen, it is! Everybody’s so darn nice in that Chic-Fil-A too!! And you know what? If you’re inside, they actually will bring the food to you AND free drink refills too! Why in the world can’t every fast fast food chain be so darn efficient?!?! Go Chic-Fil-A!
16 minutes in line for a diet lemonade and as I drive off I think to myself “oh poop! I was so busy trying to figure out exactly how many nuggets they peddle per day and dad-snappit! I forgot to pray!”
I instantly consul myself. When I get home, it’s going to be all nice and quiet to pray.
When I finally do get home, I’d like to tell you that I prayed long and hard but I didn’t because I forgot.
And I’m gonna blame that one on the dog.
In the back door from a day away and there he is: Snuggle Bunny. AKA: The lil idiot. Obviously, Bunny has missed me terribly while I was gone so I lean down, scoop him up and begin telling how beautiful he truly is. Of course this is the only humane thing to do – take five minutes out and love on his furry lil head. Right? To ignore him to pray would be animal abuse. Yes? Suddenly, I am detecting the foul odor of rotting toe nails. I toss the pup to the floor and sniff the air. Where is that stink coming from? I take out the trash. I return. The kitchen air is still odoriferous. I sniff myself. I did indeed go to the gym but I rarely try hard enough to break a sweat, much less stink – it’s just not ladylike. Then I sniff the dog. AHA! The pup is the real culprit here! Poor Snuggle Bunny. He needs to go to the groomers so I tell myself that I’d better call the groomer right that second or else I’d forget. And since he did smell like a rotting toenail, he kept my attention; especially since he was so darn hyper over there by his dog bowl. I realize that Snuggle Bunny is trying to tell me he was very hungry and I needed to head to Publix – that it was time to stop feeding him stale sandwich bread or else he would relocate to a home with a more stable Mother who always had wet dog food that tastes so yummy. FYI: Snuggle Bunny never gets wet dog food.
So I head to Publix, making my mental grocery list but the Meta Prayer …
Now that needs to wait. Now before you go tsk tsking me, I guess you need to know one thing about my driving. My own daughter couldn’t wait to get her driver’s license just so she wouldn’t have to ride with me anymore.
“Do as mommy says and never as mommy does….” is favorite saying, after all….
I try to cut myself some slack as I schedule my Meta Prayer for the night-time. Tara told us to be quiet and give ourselves the gift of being centered. So I centered myself…. Right smack dab in the center of my bed. And promptly, I fell asleep…..
*Tara said it’s OK to miss one day, but NOT two days………
This lil adorable babe is my first-born, Jake. As evidence from this precious picture, you can see that Jake has always been treated with the of respect. Why, he’s royalty as far as I’m concerned! Yep, my own lil King Poo Poo. King Poo Poo has been off at college in Atlanta Ga for a lil over a year now. From the beginning, I explained to my son that I am on my own as far as paying for college goes and that he would need to get a small part-time job to cover his extra curricular activities. Now before you go and start feeling sorry for ole King Poo Poo, please take into consideration that it is a proven fact that students who hold a part-time job in college on average, do 15% better than those who don’t. Not to mention King Poo Poo drives a cute lil Lexus, has traveled to France, Washington DC and New York several times and until now, has never once been asked to pay for anything.
Last year did not go so great as far as the employment situation goes. King Poo Poo obtained a job at the Shake and Steak but quit within 3 weeks due to the fact that and I quote “you are timed on making the shakes and momma, it’s just too stressful.”
Hmmmmmm. Next came a job at Abercrombie. This was fabulous for about two weeks until the job was eliminated due to the fact that it was only a temporary Christmas job and when the nerd (King Poo Poo) let the manager know that he would be leaving for home and not staying to work over the holidays (he said that being away from his family during the Christmas season was too stressful) King Poo Poo was eliminated as well.
Still, I had high hopes for my child and was very proud of him for volunteering to take summer courses. Unfortunately, King Poo Poo thought that taking a full load during the summer might cause ‘unneeded stress’ and as a result took only two classes which canceled out his Hope Scholarship.
Momma had to pay the $1500 for summer classes.
This year, King Poo Poo has settled in nicely for his sophomore year but I continued to badger him to get a job. Ok, I got evil. I told King Poo Poo that if he didn’t find a job by October 1, I was going to come up to Atlanta and take his car for his little sister to drive.
Wow, would you believe King Poo Poo now has a job? It’s a miraculous miracle! You can’t imagine how stress free it was to find a job once he was
threatened enlightened. Now, King Poo Poo works on campus and absolutely loves it! I can tell he is totally proud of himself. But alas, the problem of a lowered Hope scholarship has arisen once again and when I called the school office, I am informed it is because my son is not taking a full load.
I of course asked King Poo Poo why in the world he wasn’t taking a full load at school?!!!!!!
You guessed it…… Stress.
Momma unloaded on him.
A drunk call. Yep, you read me right. My sweet, innocent child, AKA King Poo Poo, called me drunk as a monkey at 2:03 a.m. on a Saturday night. I always turn my phone on silent at night so I missed it. I also missed his text that read “Hey mom – now that I have a job, do you want me to send you money, you know, because I’m such an evil, disgusting bum……”
Errrrrrrrr ummmmmm. If memory serves me, I don’t believe those were the exact words I used….
I woke up the next morning and gave King Poo Poo’s text some true, sincere thought.
My response? A text.
Now, the next time he is tempted to ‘forget what I actually said,’ it will be forever engraved in a text.
With love and compassion,
Here is my response:
I do not want you to send me money. I want you to work part-time while off at school and take a full load of courses as well. This is what 80% of everyone at college does and despite the fact that you THINK you are not capable of this, you very much are. This is a compliment to you and a tribute to your character. You are above all the past anxiety you suffered with as a 5th grader. That is in the past. Now, you are a living, breathing, responsible ADULT. You are not some sniveling brat who takes half a load at school and drinks his entire way through college because he is too incompetent to make something fabulous out of himself. Perhaps I hold you in a higher regard than you hold yourself? I don’t know and I don’t care. All I know is that you were created for something wonderful and you better accomplish it. Sitting around worrying about your stress life will do nothing more than add stress to your life.
Get off your butt. Show up to class and do the best you can do. Go to work. Be responsible and move up the ladder. If I didn’t think you could be something outstanding, your butt would be at the nearest technical school learning how to assemble toilets.
Now have a nice day. I love you. I’m very PROUD of you!
And if you ever text me or call me after you have been drinking again, I will slice up your liver into tiny pieces and saute them for your dinner…
King Poo Poo’s response to the Queen mother’s response?
“Yes mam. Love you momma.”