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Day 1: My FORGIVENESS Project

IMG_2928.JPGThree days ago I was sitting on this very balcony watching my family swim in this very pool and thinking to myself:

I am miserable. I have got to make a serious change!!!!

So I did what I do in situations when I’m stuck – I buy a book. I’m hoping book number 5 does the trick. It’s called Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall.

So far, I’m not liking ole RT’s suggestions for forgiving the one who has hurt me. In fact, if things don’t get any lighter, I’m gonna have to put RT himself on my “needs to be forgiven list” as well. He’s bringing up bad memories and making me boo hoo.

This is his first step:

(And can I say that I am quoting straight from his book and you would really get a much better picture and or explanation if you went and bought the book but hey – )

Step 1. It therefore follows that I should not hold people responsible for what they have done to me. I will hold nothing against them, and I will not tell other people, not even my closest friends, what they did to me. 

Hmmmmm. Can I just say that there are 6 more steps and I’m already stuck back in the fish net at número uno?

Poopie.

I know I shouldn’t talk about what happened and I understand  why. Because it makes ME feel like dog doo doo bringing it all back up. Not to mention, there’s always the slim chance I myself can look like a kook by continuing to discuss it. BUT, I reason, what if the person does not know the truth about what really happened and is asking me for details? What if my offender is still trashing me and I need to defend myself? What if my closest friends forget certain parts of the story and I need to refresh their memory?? What if….what if…..what if??!?

So All day, life is miserable and I have boo hoo ed till my head hurts…..but I do not quit!!!! I made a commitment to my FORGIVE EVERYONE PROJECT and I’m sticking to it. I have to. For me 🙁 

So anyhow, yesterday was my first day and it was well, a total foil.  I called my friend Vern to explain how excited I was to start my new project and Vern was like “I can’t belive we are still talking about this. Why aren’t you over this yet?” Then Vern called him some very ugly words – which I truly enjoyed hearing – so of course I had to remind her of some facts she may or may not have forgotten. Thus – doing exactly what RT warned against.  Then Vern started saying that he is such an idiot (the offender, not RT) and that what I needed to do was go to her psychic.  I am so not kidding……

Vern thinks there is some cosmic reason why I can’t get past all this hurt and that her psychic named Stephanie can help me for a dandy fee of 60 smacks an hour. Although it does seem intriguing,  I tell Vern I will consider it but she knows good and well I won’t. It’s not that I am a total prude or anything but that’s like a sin, isn’t it? It’s a sham. I will walk in all upset and she will say “wow, the energy tells me that Sissie is hurting” then this will most likely make me start crying and I will have to tell psychic Stephanie the whole story of what happened – which will really set me back as far as following through with my first rule of forgiveness: do not talk about the perpetrator or what they did.

I’m a lil down after reading half of RT’s forgiveness book, it’s scraping off scabs and bringing back memories so I plan a night out with my friend, Robbie. When I get to Robbie’s house, I have every intention of keeping RT’s first step of NOT talking about what happened and who did what etc. BUT then I notice a book on her coffee table on Astrology. (More satan stuff as far as I’m concerned.)

I pick up the book and flip through it innocently. “What, you’ve never looked at this book?” Robbie asks me. “Oh no.” I explain.  She laughs at me says “when’s your birthday and what year were you born?” Evidently, I’m a fish pig. Or a pig fish.  A pish, I suppose. Robbie reads the page explaining all my inner self and would you believe it is me to an exact T?!,!?! What the heck?!?! I don’t belive in all that!!!!

“Now, let’s look at what the books says for your perfect mate. Oh – what was dirt bags birthday!?” Robbie asks as she flips through the pages. Well, I think to myself, if the book is spot on about me, then certainly it can give me some wisdom on him and why he would do what he did.

So I tell her his birthday. And the year he was born.

It. Had. Absolutely. Nothing. To. Do. With. Him.

I inform my friend: “no, that’s all wrong. It’s because he’s crazy and it’s not even going to be in your book because your book is for normal people, not crazies like him and ……..”

You can only imagine how I filled in the blanks at this point. …..

I leave Robbie’s house ashamed at myself for already fudging up my first day of my F everyone project.

(Once again)

So far, PROJECT FORGIVE EVERYBODY  is a total foil. I started my day with the best intentions and end them with a head ache from crying. With potential Advice from psychic Stephanie and now a reading from an astrology book.  Not to mention I discussed the issue I wasn’t supposed to discuss it with 3 different people just today.

I feel doomed.

BUT

I will not give up my quest for peace!!!!!

I’m taking Scarlet Ohara’s approach as I say “tomorrow is another day….”

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