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Dipping My Toe In The Poison


IMG_2987 I took a dip into the poison. Again. 

My day started out better yesterday because I had some rest the night before – but I still found myself grouchy and irritated. I fussed at my daughter Izzy and couldn’t seem to let it go. I felt she had crossed the boundaries as far as me being her personal taxi driver when I really needed to be at home working on my book proposal.

Then my friend Katrina comes over (God has blessed me with many friends, I know.) I’m not bragging. I may have many good, close friends but I have an incredibly small family that I hold onto like a dog clings to rotted meat. Anyhow, when Katrina comes over, we sit in my room so she can discuss her issues with her man. She’s totally frustrated with him. At first, I do not discuss my Forgiveness Project because I’m totally planning not to jump back into the jug of poison. 

But then, she asked….

Or maybe, I just volunteered my situation. I could tell you that I thought I was helping my friend by saying “well at least _______ didn’t happen to you!!! And “no, I do think your man is trying to work through this issue with you or else he woulda done what _______ did and _____! ______!?!#<>?_____!!!!!!”

Somehow, we started off on Katrina’s love issues and ended up both drunk on MY poison.  Katrina leaves my house after two hours of poison inhalation and I’m left feeling deflated and hurt. All over again.

It’s no wonder I had another nightmare last night.  What’s up with all the nightmares?!?! 😡 This one was not  about him but about a family member who has hurt me very much. I don’t harbor the hate for her, I don’t think she is well mentally but what she has done has ultimately broken my heart. My dream was filled with hurt and memories of our past together when we were so close. I awoke with my feet burning and felt like tiny pins were stabbing me all over. Immediately, I thought of the two vultures that are feeding my family member lies and destroying our family. Believe me, this pain alone will top any lifetime movie you have ever seen. Anger burned inside of me like fire for the two vultures. How could they feed my family member such lies?!?!?! They have broken our family apart. Don’t they care they are hurting us? How could they be so careless and cruel?!?!?!

And then, A little voice told me at 3:18 this morning “pray for them.”

“No.” I told the voice.

My feet continued to burn like hot coals. (Can I just say I don’t know why they burn?!?!) I had to take a melatonin to calm down.

Finally,  I did it. I got out of my bed to pray for them. On My knees and through clenched teeth, I prayed for God to bless them and help them to prosper in life. I also prayed for the offender and his family.

I’m not going to tell you I had that warm and fuzzy feeling afterwards. I didn’t.  Sometimes I think I’m more angry at the vultures than I am at the offender.

Today, Sunday morning, I am starting all over. That’s what they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? To take it day by day? One step at a time? I’ve discovered that explaining/talking about my PROJECT FORGIVE EVERYBODY will not work for me so I will not. It ain’t like they read my blog anyway. 😂  I will continue to pray to those that have hurt me and try my hardest not slander them or try to “repay evil for evil.”

I’m heading out in a mission trip today..

Send prayers my way. For me. For the children who will be put in my care. For the houses we will build in New Orleans and for my FORGIVENESS PROJECT.  

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