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Faking It

Tonight I have been invited to a Mardi Gras book signing event!!!! WAHOO!!!! I wanted to look MARVELOUS so I was trying to plan ahead.

And I truly thought I was….. Seriously, doesn’t every girl know NOT to have her hair high lighted the day of an important event? I mean that’s just common sense!!!

We are all aware of the ‘loss of fluff’ due to highlighting and that it is always best not to plan a big event the day one’s hair is wringed, wrapped in tin foil, and electrocuted under steaming hot lightening bolts, it’s just bad form. I was very specific with my non English speaking beautician.

“I don’t want it to look fake, but I do want some pizazz, you know?” Since she doesn’t speak English except to say the usual:

“No, too much hair spray u use, 30 dolla today or Ya Ya”, there’s definitely a communication problem.

So I reiterate “I want light. Not too light, but lighter than this.” I pick a strand of my hair and show her my dishwater blond shade. “OK. light. No fake.” She shakes her lil face like she totally gets what I’m saying.

“Not too light.” “OK not….too light.”


“Ugg. Ya. I guess.” It seemed to look decent enough when I’m leaving the salon/garage apartment.

Then I have to take things a lil farther as I felt like I may need a lil color on my skin. (You know, to match my upcoming spring hair shade and short and sleeveless dress.)

My dress may be 17 years old but it is still in total tack ~ the sequins are still sticking and everything!!!!! I head to the fake bake. but I don’t bake. I do the fake.

“Are you sure I’m not gonna come out looking like a orange push up pop? I’ve never done this spray business before…..” I nervously tell the in tact tan sales assistant.

“Oh, nooooooooooo!!!! You will look fabulous!!! I look around the crowded room and nobody else looks like a push pop… I sealed the deal and got sprayed. With overnight teeth bleaching trays in tow, I let all my ‘new colors sink in’ overnight, periodically awaking myself in the night from the foul Oder of fake bakage and trying not to swallow or choke on that teeth gel junk.

This morning, I awake and am a vision of beauty; all set for my Mardi Gras formal black book signing benefit.

It never fails…

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