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My Forgiveness Project

hairI can’t take the hate anymore….the sleepless nights…the hurtful memories…the wouldas, shouldas, couldas…the pretend conversations of what I would say to him should I see him…or his friends or family…they all know the “truth” anyway.  Don’t they?  And if they do, would they actually admit it and seriously, does it matter?  Is all this unforgiveness really worth the grief it’s causing me?

And it is just that, let me tell you: Pure Grief.

 

Thursday, one year after ‘the incident’, I find myself in Home Goods, my favorite store in Hilton Head, once again defending my side of the story, what really happened and how horrible he truly is.  My friend (but really his friend) recoiled in horror as I spewed my venom.  After I had finished vomiting ill words, I felt the way I always feel:

Sad.  More hurt.  Devastated all over again.  I left the store without buying a thing; quickly racing back to our beach condo.  I crept under a blanket, I needed a place to hide.  I sat on our balcony and looked out on a shrimp boat tugging its long net behind.  I pulled out my binoculars and squinted to see what prey this days catch would be bringing in.  Of course, I can’t see anything, I’m too far away.  I go over the conversation I just had in Home Goods.  Such ugly words… UGG. I feel like I am drowning.  I gaze numbly out into the water,  the sun is shining, there’s a beautiful crisp breeze. My family is splashing below me in the pool, I can hear my niece squealing in delight as she shoots a water gun in her fathers face. Suddenly,  I felt like one of those fish tangled up in the thick fishing net.

You see, I am stuck and I have been fighting to free myself from this stupid net for a year now.  I am tired.  I just want to be free to swim away.  I have things I want to accomplish in my life, I’m only 44, certainly I haven’t done all I can do and seen all there is to see, right?  My life is right there in front of me and somehow, I am stuck in this freaking net of unforgiveness for the one who broke my heart.

OH God, I pray, please deliver me from the net of UNforgiveness.  How spoiled you are, I tell myself.  There’s not too many people who have such a life as you! Enjoy your life.  Forget what happened.  Let it go.  Move on.

But there’s a problem.  Isn’t there always????  I want to let go. But I can’t.  I’m the fish. And I’m stuck.

Don’t even think I haven’t tried.  In the course of one year, I’ve read at least 4 books on forgiveness.  They all help a little.  Nothing life changing.  I thought back to a book I had pre kindle days called Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall.  I have it somewhere at home, buried deep but I needed right then so I bought it and then as my hand shook, I bought it twice by accident.  Sheesh.

Today, it is 2 days later and I am back home.. Away from the swimming pool, the sandy beaches overlooking the ocean but still… a fish caught in a tangled net.  Currently, I am about 40% percent through my book.  I have been boo hooing all morning.  This stinking book is telling me to do things I don’t want to do. But…I am desperate to let go of the strings of the net and swim away.  I want this to be a new year for me.  A new life for me and my children.

If you knew me at all, you would know that I absolutely HATE to blog.  BUT if you are a writer, you would agree that all publishers want you to have an up and running blog.  So, I do.  I’d rather eat dried sea horses than air my dirty laundry but this is something I’m hoping others will join me in.  For the next two weeks – hey we all gotta start small – I’m going to venture out on a quest to forgive. I’m gonna call it my:

Forgive Everyone Project

 

It is my personal quest to Forgive anybody and everybody…..

Any and all advice is wanted and needed to set this fish free…

XOXO

Sissie Dale

 

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