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I Jumped In The Jug: Day 3  

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It’s official. I’m a murderer. After paying my neighbor to feed my goldfish while I was out of town, (which cost more than the fish themselves) I came home only to kill them myself. How? Poison. Too much algae eater. They were so excited to see mommy return, they swam happily to the top. “Feed us!”  They yelped through their tiny mouths.

Hovering over them with my magic bottle of poison in hand, I thought “a little extra algae eater won’t hurt one bit.”

It did. All 10 are floaters.

If that isn’t bad enough, I’ve been drunk for the past 36 hours. I’ll admit it.  I didn’t plan on it, I thought I could handle one snide remark here, one comment there…but let me just tell you….one sip of poison and that’s all it took. I started talking about the hurt and before I knew what was going on I discovered I had hopped head first right into that giant jug of poison we all call unforgiveness. I think I may need to join FFA: Forgiveness Failures Anonymous. Sheesh.
But I can explain… It’s not all my fault……

Ok so it is ALL my fault.

First of all, Day 3, I tried several times, with about 70% success –  I must gloat – of avoiding speaking about the offender with my friend Viola. She called and asked me what I’ve been up to and I excitedly explained my

FORGIVE EVERYONE PROJECT.  

Bad idea. 

Why?

Because then, like Jobs friends in the Bible, they all have their own opinions. Now usually, I would want them to slander ‘said offender’ but when I’m trying to commit to stop talking about the entire situation, they (my friends) attempt to console me and say things like: “Well I don’t totally agree with all RT’s suggestions. You need to talk about what happened…. Don’t bottle it in.” And  “RT said to save face??? Oh no, he needs a punch in the face not to have his ugly face saved!”  Vern exclaimed!  (Yes, I told her about my project too)

When describing my Forgiveness project to others, I discovered that it just brought back bad memories and actually found I was defending myself for trying to forgive the offender. 

I’m squeaking through Day 3 and am proud of myself for not divulging my project any further when I went to see my friend Kerry over a glass of wine. This is difficult because Kerry went through a divorce four months ago and has already found a new love to focus on.  Still, I zipped my lips and inhaled no poison.  I just smiled and listened.  Through clenched teeth.

Some girls have all the luck.

BUT ….

I know that God will NOT ever bring someone into my life as long as I am holding into this hate. I know I must forgive. 

I came home from Kerry’s house; feeling slightly sad and unnerved but was happy I had refrained from discussing my project with one more person.  If you don’t remember, the night before, I slept ZERO because I had three separate nightmares. I’m blaming it on all that praying.  So this night, I cheat and take two Advil PM, I had to rest. And I did.

I did have one dream though and it was about my daughter and I. We were in a race and somebody told us “if you take this road, you can get to the finish line much faster.” Of course we took the easier and shorter route. And of course my daughter fell and hurt her ankle. As a result, we missed out on the entire race and had to watch all the others cross the finish line, all winners. I looked down at my child’s ankle thinking “I wonder if it really wasn’t a reason to keep going, maybe she wasn’t hurt as bad I had thought?” I pulled up the sack of ice on her ankle and good grief!!! Her ankle was all broke and distorted.

I’m not a dream interpreter but it seems to me that if we take short cuts in life and always look for the easiest roads – all while dragging our children behind, we will Most likely end up hurt and watching others succeed as we lay crippled on the sidelines. 

Not good. Not the mother God raised me to be…..

I begin day 4 promising I will put down the bottle of poison.

 

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