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Sweating Blood

It all started in my guns, guts, and butts exercise class when I started sweating blood through my shirt. How alarming, I know.  To make matters worse and the situation even more completely nerve-wracking was the fact that I was wearing a pristine new white tank top.

Crisp, clean, no pills, deodorant marks, blemishes of any kind. There I was dancing away; justa floating through the air in pure white bliss.

My butt. I was sweating like a pig.

The first thing that I found odd was that I was sweating at all. I don’t normally sweat.  This could tell me one of three things:

A. I’m too much of a lady to sweat.

B. I’m in a weight training class so jumping up and down is usually not the norm.

C. I’m not really working out, I’m merely picking up little weights here and there staring at my new workout outfit in the mirror; trying to make sure my cellulite isnt flopping around too violently.


So, this morning I am super sweating.  To make matters worse, there is a guy in our class which is rare. And weird.  Makes a girl wanta say “Hey Muscles!!!!!!! Go hang out with your own kind! You’re making these pelvic thrusts mighty uncomfortable! Move on, would ya????”

Actually, all I do say is “excuse me, sir. Could you please pull the chain on the overhead fans, I can’t reach them and its extremely hot in here.”

In true meathead form, he answers me “Ummmmm huh?? Oh there’s fans?”


The other ‘sweater’ next to me sees that I’m trying to reach a fan (I’m 5’2) and can’t so she pulls my chain for me.  “Thank you! I tell you what girl, it’s so HOT in here.” I look down, pointing to all my sweatness and there it is; pink sweat all over my shirt. Pink was literally sinking through my new white shirt.

I suddenly become very worried for myself. Perhaps I should take another 6 week break from exercising, Those cellulite dimples won’t mind.

Bull ca ca.

I continue on exercising/sweating, keeping a close eye on my bleeding. I straighten out my shirt during a 3 second rest. OH SNAP! I found the culprit!!! I’m sweating my spray tan off and it’s like soaking through my new white shirt. Gross!

Relieved I’m not sweating blood, I’m considering whether or not to give up on my spray tanning.  Does this happen to other people or is it just me? It is expensive, time consuming, and what the heck is it with my tan rubbing off on everything???? It’s ridiculous, and the worst part?

I stinkeroo.  Seriously.  Izzy runs from me.

“Ewww, you’re stinking again, don’t sit by me!!” She says as she runs madly from me.

I have to ask “what do married people do if they tan? Doesnt their mate care about sleeping next to the smell of rotting flesh?”

I’m not sure why the caramel color of my tan fades to pink when I exercise. I ponder all these questions as I come home to bleach my new white shirt and take a pink foam bubble bath….and hopefully able to get rid of some of this stink….

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