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Divorce

I Jumped In The Jug: Day 3  

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It’s official. I’m a murderer. After paying my neighbor to feed my goldfish while I was out of town, (which cost more than the fish themselves) I came home only to kill them myself. How? Poison. Too much algae eater. They were so excited to see mommy return, they swam happily to the top. “Feed us!”  They yelped through their tiny mouths.

Hovering over them with my magic bottle of poison in hand, I thought “a little extra algae eater won’t hurt one bit.”

It did. All 10 are floaters.

If that isn’t bad enough, I’ve been drunk for the past 36 hours. I’ll admit it.  I didn’t plan on it, I thought I could handle one snide remark here, one comment there…but let me just tell you….one sip of poison and that’s all it took. I started talking about the hurt and before I knew what was going on I discovered I had hopped head first right into that giant jug of poison we all call unforgiveness. I think I may need to join FFA: Forgiveness Failures Anonymous. Sheesh.
But I can explain… It’s not all my fault……

Ok so it is ALL my fault.

First of all, Day 3, I tried several times, with about 70% success –  I must gloat – of avoiding speaking about the offender with my friend Viola. She called and asked me what I’ve been up to and I excitedly explained my

FORGIVE EVERYONE PROJECT.  

Bad idea. 

Why?

Because then, like Jobs friends in the Bible, they all have their own opinions. Now usually, I would want them to slander ‘said offender’ but when I’m trying to commit to stop talking about the entire situation, they (my friends) attempt to console me and say things like: “Well I don’t totally agree with all RT’s suggestions. You need to talk about what happened…. Don’t bottle it in.” And  “RT said to save face??? Oh no, he needs a punch in the face not to have his ugly face saved!”  Vern exclaimed!  (Yes, I told her about my project too)

When describing my Forgiveness project to others, I discovered that it just brought back bad memories and actually found I was defending myself for trying to forgive the offender. 

I’m squeaking through Day 3 and am proud of myself for not divulging my project any further when I went to see my friend Kerry over a glass of wine. This is difficult because Kerry went through a divorce four months ago and has already found a new love to focus on.  Still, I zipped my lips and inhaled no poison.  I just smiled and listened.  Through clenched teeth.

Some girls have all the luck.

BUT ….

I know that God will NOT ever bring someone into my life as long as I am holding into this hate. I know I must forgive. 

I came home from Kerry’s house; feeling slightly sad and unnerved but was happy I had refrained from discussing my project with one more person.  If you don’t remember, the night before, I slept ZERO because I had three separate nightmares. I’m blaming it on all that praying.  So this night, I cheat and take two Advil PM, I had to rest. And I did.

I did have one dream though and it was about my daughter and I. We were in a race and somebody told us “if you take this road, you can get to the finish line much faster.” Of course we took the easier and shorter route. And of course my daughter fell and hurt her ankle. As a result, we missed out on the entire race and had to watch all the others cross the finish line, all winners. I looked down at my child’s ankle thinking “I wonder if it really wasn’t a reason to keep going, maybe she wasn’t hurt as bad I had thought?” I pulled up the sack of ice on her ankle and good grief!!! Her ankle was all broke and distorted.

I’m not a dream interpreter but it seems to me that if we take short cuts in life and always look for the easiest roads – all while dragging our children behind, we will Most likely end up hurt and watching others succeed as we lay crippled on the sidelines. 

Not good. Not the mother God raised me to be…..

I begin day 4 promising I will put down the bottle of poison.

 

Day 1: My FORGIVENESS Project

IMG_2928.JPGThree days ago I was sitting on this very balcony watching my family swim in this very pool and thinking to myself:

I am miserable. I have got to make a serious change!!!!

So I did what I do in situations when I’m stuck – I buy a book. I’m hoping book number 5 does the trick. It’s called Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall.

So far, I’m not liking ole RT’s suggestions for forgiving the one who has hurt me. In fact, if things don’t get any lighter, I’m gonna have to put RT himself on my “needs to be forgiven list” as well. He’s bringing up bad memories and making me boo hoo.

This is his first step:

(And can I say that I am quoting straight from his book and you would really get a much better picture and or explanation if you went and bought the book but hey – )

Step 1. It therefore follows that I should not hold people responsible for what they have done to me. I will hold nothing against them, and I will not tell other people, not even my closest friends, what they did to me. 

Hmmmmm. Can I just say that there are 6 more steps and I’m already stuck back in the fish net at número uno?

Poopie.

I know I shouldn’t talk about what happened and I understand  why. Because it makes ME feel like dog doo doo bringing it all back up. Not to mention, there’s always the slim chance I myself can look like a kook by continuing to discuss it. BUT, I reason, what if the person does not know the truth about what really happened and is asking me for details? What if my offender is still trashing me and I need to defend myself? What if my closest friends forget certain parts of the story and I need to refresh their memory?? What if….what if…..what if??!?

So All day, life is miserable and I have boo hoo ed till my head hurts…..but I do not quit!!!! I made a commitment to my FORGIVE EVERYONE PROJECT and I’m sticking to it. I have to. For me 🙁 

So anyhow, yesterday was my first day and it was well, a total foil.  I called my friend Vern to explain how excited I was to start my new project and Vern was like “I can’t belive we are still talking about this. Why aren’t you over this yet?” Then Vern called him some very ugly words – which I truly enjoyed hearing – so of course I had to remind her of some facts she may or may not have forgotten. Thus – doing exactly what RT warned against.  Then Vern started saying that he is such an idiot (the offender, not RT) and that what I needed to do was go to her psychic.  I am so not kidding……

Vern thinks there is some cosmic reason why I can’t get past all this hurt and that her psychic named Stephanie can help me for a dandy fee of 60 smacks an hour. Although it does seem intriguing,  I tell Vern I will consider it but she knows good and well I won’t. It’s not that I am a total prude or anything but that’s like a sin, isn’t it? It’s a sham. I will walk in all upset and she will say “wow, the energy tells me that Sissie is hurting” then this will most likely make me start crying and I will have to tell psychic Stephanie the whole story of what happened – which will really set me back as far as following through with my first rule of forgiveness: do not talk about the perpetrator or what they did.

I’m a lil down after reading half of RT’s forgiveness book, it’s scraping off scabs and bringing back memories so I plan a night out with my friend, Robbie. When I get to Robbie’s house, I have every intention of keeping RT’s first step of NOT talking about what happened and who did what etc. BUT then I notice a book on her coffee table on Astrology. (More satan stuff as far as I’m concerned.)

I pick up the book and flip through it innocently. “What, you’ve never looked at this book?” Robbie asks me. “Oh no.” I explain.  She laughs at me says “when’s your birthday and what year were you born?” Evidently, I’m a fish pig. Or a pig fish.  A pish, I suppose. Robbie reads the page explaining all my inner self and would you believe it is me to an exact T?!,!?! What the heck?!?! I don’t belive in all that!!!!

“Now, let’s look at what the books says for your perfect mate. Oh – what was dirt bags birthday!?” Robbie asks as she flips through the pages. Well, I think to myself, if the book is spot on about me, then certainly it can give me some wisdom on him and why he would do what he did.

So I tell her his birthday. And the year he was born.

It. Had. Absolutely. Nothing. To. Do. With. Him.

I inform my friend: “no, that’s all wrong. It’s because he’s crazy and it’s not even going to be in your book because your book is for normal people, not crazies like him and ……..”

You can only imagine how I filled in the blanks at this point. …..

I leave Robbie’s house ashamed at myself for already fudging up my first day of my F everyone project.

(Once again)

So far, PROJECT FORGIVE EVERYBODY  is a total foil. I started my day with the best intentions and end them with a head ache from crying. With potential Advice from psychic Stephanie and now a reading from an astrology book.  Not to mention I discussed the issue I wasn’t supposed to discuss it with 3 different people just today.

I feel doomed.

BUT

I will not give up my quest for peace!!!!!

I’m taking Scarlet Ohara’s approach as I say “tomorrow is another day….”

The Point System

I can tell that Shelly thinks I am an idiot for suggesting my point system.  I can hear it in her voice, even on the phone. 

SHELLY: “I am going to this stupid piano recital for my daughter tonight and I better not see Scott!  That evil freak!  How dare he walk out on me after 22 years of marriage?!?  I hate him, I hope he rots in the firey pits of hell!”

MOI: “Whoa chief!”  I say, trying to calm Shelly.  “I’m so proud of you for going, even though you have to go alone, you’re still going.  Good mommy!” I tell her.  “You need to get out of the house.  Get up, get dressed and get moving.”  

And then I hear the sobs.  Gulping, snotty nosed wailing on the other end of my phone. 

 

Shelly: “I’ve never once had to go to one of these functions alone.” Shelly tells me between nose blowing.  “I don’t want to be alone.  I don’t want to be divorced.  We have no money, my daughter is being a big fat twit,” (well, actually, she called her daughter another word but I’m not one to cuss on my blog) “and I don’t know why I’m even going tonight.  Sissie, you’ve been divorced twice, I can barely make it through this one, I don’t understand how you did it.”  

MOI: “You’re going to the recital because it’s the right thing to do, Miss Priss. Secondly, when I went through my divorces, (yea, it’s plural, deal with it), I handled it all wrong.  I hope you can at least listen to my advice because I have been there. I held it all in, all the pain, hurt and resentment.  I used to say that if you squeezed my arm, poison would surely have dripped out from my pores.  It was seriously that bad.  But then, I got very, very sick and it became a ‘do or die’ situation.  I had to change my entire life around.  Shelly, everybody has falls in life. It’s like walking out the back door on a cold february morning.  You’re minding your own beeswax, you’ve got a full day planned so you innocently step out into your walkway and BAM!  You’ve slipped on the ice.  You’re lying there all out of breath, squirming and gasping trying to figure out “What the HAY just happened here?”

 

SHELLY: “Well, what did you do?” Shelly says as she blows her horn.

I tell my friend simply and matter of factly the cold, hard truth:

MOI: “I had to pick myself up off the ground.  Nobody can do it for you.”

SHELLY: “Yes! Yes!  Shelly snorts in my ear. “But how, how do I pick myself up off the ice?  I hate it here.”

Excited that I’ve seemed to give Shelly some sort of relief and light at the end of this very dark tunnel she’s traveling through, I let her in on my point system. 

MOI: “Well, of course you hate laying on the ice.  It’s cold, uncomfortable, your entire life seems frozen until you can get back up.  As for me, After trying everything else in the world and not getting anywhere, this is what I did: 

I came up with The Point System.  I took out a piece of paper and wrote down 100 things I wanted in my life but was too afraid to conquer.  One by one, I tackled each fear and gave myself a point for accomplishing them.  It took me a year and if I did not finish them in the first year, I just put them down for the second year.  I think I did this for about two years.  It was life changing.” 

There was dead silience on the other end of my phone.

MOI: “Shelly, are you still on the phone?    So what do you think, will you try my point system?  I will help you 🙂 Do you ever think about just how much your fear is holding you back from?  You know thinking back, I wish I woulda taken a picture of all my points.  You should start tonight with your daughters recital.  Take a picture and send it to me.”

SHELLY: “Ummmm.  Yea, I guess that might work?”

MOI: “Might?  Might?  It does work.  I know for a fact this works.  I’ll help you make your list, girlie.  Come on! Start tonight, ok?  I’ll be looking for my picture? Yes? You’re in?”

SHELLY: “Yea.  I guess you’re right.  I’ll send you the picture in a little while.”

Hanging up the phone, I started thinking about my own point system.  After recently experiencing a quite nasty fall to the ice myself, I think I may just do it all over again.  If first it was fear…. what did I want to accomplish this time?  Maybe 100 things that intimidate me but I so despartly want?  Do I really want to take this challenge again?  It ain’t easy.  It’s time consuming.  It’s easier to stay huddled under the covers and watch Lifetime classics such as ‘Lying Lovers, The Looser Who Left and Mending A Broken Heart weekend marathons.’

But still, Truth be known, I am not back on my feet.  I am still wiggling around on the ice, trying once again to steady myself so I can creep back off the ice.  I can do it.  I’ve had much harder falls than this one.  I can and I will.  I can and I will.  I can and I will…..

After all, life is a journey.  Why would I want to miss it?

 

FYI: I never did get that picture…..