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Day 2: The FORGIVESS Project

 I think I did a much better job of Forgiving everyone today. I did not tell my story ……not one time. This could, very well be because I was at home diligently pecking away on a book proposal I need to get ready for the She Speaks conference in July.  Unfortunately, This was not such a successful day as far as my writing is concerned.  Considering I’m trying to present a book that I set down four years ago, I feel I should cut myself some slack. But I don’t. There are about 5 different versions – all on different computers, various flash drives and even printed out… My main goal was to just pick one version and begin to edit it.  I know what you’re thinking : awe, Sissie is not organized ….and let me just say errrrrrr ummmmmm you’re probably correctamondo. But in my defense, it made perfect sense how I organized it – 4 stinking years ago.

But back to my Forgiveness Project:

I realized I have not provided the rest of the steps to forgiveness. All these are according to RT Kendall in his book Total Forgiveness.

Here goes:

* all bold print are MY thoughts.

1. Do not let anyone know what someone said about you or did to you.

Still working on that one. 

2.  Do not be allowed to let anyone be afraid of you or intimidated by you.

How did RT know that this is my favorite vice? I’m fabulous at it and have been planning and plotting for a year now of what I will say when I see him or his friends. 

3.  We will want them to forgive themselves and not feel guilty.

We will?

4. We will let them save face.

Ohhhhhhh…. Because what they did was so wonderful, it speaks for itself??? (I told you I have a long way to go) 

5.  We will protect them from their greatest fear.

I know his greatest fear and it’s part of why he is doing what he is doing. I guess this all fits together because he is so afraid I will “tell on him.”

6.  We will commit to this for life.
Hmmmmmmmm. I’m starting with 21 days, RT 

7.  We will pray for them to be blessed.

This one, I can handle (or at least I thought I could until last night) 

I have prayed for him. I even wrote it in my phone back in November but had to stop because it was giving me nightmares.  

He doesn’t leave you hanging, The book gives all sorts of biblical facts to back up his ‘recipe for forgiveness’

Unfortunately, every time I read these, I think to myself “well RT doesn’t know what my offender did!!” 😡

I try to stop myself and take this process one day at a time. Yesterday, I was ok. I sat down last night during the LAH hours (lonely as heck) and drank a glass of wine while pecking away at my blog post while sitting outside swatting pesky Mosquitos.

When it came time for bed, I took to heart step número 7, pray for your offender.

RT warns against praying such things like “Dear Lord, I hope you are able to hurt blah blah (insert his name) as much as he has hurt me. I pray for his face to be plastered on the front page of our daily newspaper because he has been caught doing something crooked.”

Yea. RT said “No!”

Uggggg.

I am to pray like this “Dear Lord, I ask that you bless him (insert name) and his home. Help him to find the happiness that he is looking for. Be with him on his farm and protect and bless him. Help him to be at peace Lord.”

So I’ve done it. 3 times to be exact. I also prayed for four other people who are semi involved but certainly didn’t mean to be. They are involved for various reasons….It hurts me that they didn’t respond to this situation as I would have wanted them to. Which is silly. I know.

So 3 times I’ve prayed for everyone I need to forgive, him being the big mamoo. I literally got down on my knees and shut the door so my daughter would not think I was a complete freak and then I prayed.

The result?

Misery. Last night was the second time I prayed for him and all his many blessings and I woke up at 1:06 this morning with a terrible nightmare. My heart was pounding, I was winded. Not fun. So I settled down and fell back asleep and was awakened AGAIN by a second nightmare. Much more hurtful than the first. I wearily went downstairs to let the dog out and yes, I prayed my morning prayer, once again asking God to bless him. I thought I was about to start my day but I was tired from not sleeping and I drifted off to sleep again. At 8:07 this morning, I was awakened for a 3rd time with a nightmare. This one made me sadder and angry that I even started this whole stupid scab ripper, the FORGIVE EVERYONE project.

Maybe Vern is right. Perhaps I need to stop all this FORGIVE EVERYBODY PROJECT and go get some fancy smoke blown up my nose or whatever it is that psychic Stephanie does to make a person lose their negative energy……

My Forgiveness Project

hairI can’t take the hate anymore….the sleepless nights…the hurtful memories…the wouldas, shouldas, couldas…the pretend conversations of what I would say to him should I see him…or his friends or family…they all know the “truth” anyway.  Don’t they?  And if they do, would they actually admit it and seriously, does it matter?  Is all this unforgiveness really worth the grief it’s causing me?

And it is just that, let me tell you: Pure Grief.

 

Thursday, one year after ‘the incident’, I find myself in Home Goods, my favorite store in Hilton Head, once again defending my side of the story, what really happened and how horrible he truly is.  My friend (but really his friend) recoiled in horror as I spewed my venom.  After I had finished vomiting ill words, I felt the way I always feel:

Sad.  More hurt.  Devastated all over again.  I left the store without buying a thing; quickly racing back to our beach condo.  I crept under a blanket, I needed a place to hide.  I sat on our balcony and looked out on a shrimp boat tugging its long net behind.  I pulled out my binoculars and squinted to see what prey this days catch would be bringing in.  Of course, I can’t see anything, I’m too far away.  I go over the conversation I just had in Home Goods.  Such ugly words… UGG. I feel like I am drowning.  I gaze numbly out into the water,  the sun is shining, there’s a beautiful crisp breeze. My family is splashing below me in the pool, I can hear my niece squealing in delight as she shoots a water gun in her fathers face. Suddenly,  I felt like one of those fish tangled up in the thick fishing net.

You see, I am stuck and I have been fighting to free myself from this stupid net for a year now.  I am tired.  I just want to be free to swim away.  I have things I want to accomplish in my life, I’m only 44, certainly I haven’t done all I can do and seen all there is to see, right?  My life is right there in front of me and somehow, I am stuck in this freaking net of unforgiveness for the one who broke my heart.

OH God, I pray, please deliver me from the net of UNforgiveness.  How spoiled you are, I tell myself.  There’s not too many people who have such a life as you! Enjoy your life.  Forget what happened.  Let it go.  Move on.

But there’s a problem.  Isn’t there always????  I want to let go. But I can’t.  I’m the fish. And I’m stuck.

Don’t even think I haven’t tried.  In the course of one year, I’ve read at least 4 books on forgiveness.  They all help a little.  Nothing life changing.  I thought back to a book I had pre kindle days called Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall.  I have it somewhere at home, buried deep but I needed right then so I bought it and then as my hand shook, I bought it twice by accident.  Sheesh.

Today, it is 2 days later and I am back home.. Away from the swimming pool, the sandy beaches overlooking the ocean but still… a fish caught in a tangled net.  Currently, I am about 40% percent through my book.  I have been boo hooing all morning.  This stinking book is telling me to do things I don’t want to do. But…I am desperate to let go of the strings of the net and swim away.  I want this to be a new year for me.  A new life for me and my children.

If you knew me at all, you would know that I absolutely HATE to blog.  BUT if you are a writer, you would agree that all publishers want you to have an up and running blog.  So, I do.  I’d rather eat dried sea horses than air my dirty laundry but this is something I’m hoping others will join me in.  For the next two weeks – hey we all gotta start small – I’m going to venture out on a quest to forgive. I’m gonna call it my:

Forgive Everyone Project

 

It is my personal quest to Forgive anybody and everybody…..

Any and all advice is wanted and needed to set this fish free…

XOXO

Sissie Dale