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poison

Dipping My Toe In The Poison

 

IMG_2987 I took a dip into the poison. Again. 

My day started out better yesterday because I had some rest the night before – but I still found myself grouchy and irritated. I fussed at my daughter Izzy and couldn’t seem to let it go. I felt she had crossed the boundaries as far as me being her personal taxi driver when I really needed to be at home working on my book proposal.

Then my friend Katrina comes over (God has blessed me with many friends, I know.) I’m not bragging. I may have many good, close friends but I have an incredibly small family that I hold onto like a dog clings to rotted meat. Anyhow, when Katrina comes over, we sit in my room so she can discuss her issues with her man. She’s totally frustrated with him. At first, I do not discuss my Forgiveness Project because I’m totally planning not to jump back into the jug of poison. 

But then, she asked….

Or maybe, I just volunteered my situation. I could tell you that I thought I was helping my friend by saying “well at least _______ didn’t happen to you!!! And “no, I do think your man is trying to work through this issue with you or else he woulda done what _______ did and _____! ______!?!#<>?_____!!!!!!”

Somehow, we started off on Katrina’s love issues and ended up both drunk on MY poison.  Katrina leaves my house after two hours of poison inhalation and I’m left feeling deflated and hurt. All over again.

It’s no wonder I had another nightmare last night.  What’s up with all the nightmares?!?! 😡 This one was not  about him but about a family member who has hurt me very much. I don’t harbor the hate for her, I don’t think she is well mentally but what she has done has ultimately broken my heart. My dream was filled with hurt and memories of our past together when we were so close. I awoke with my feet burning and felt like tiny pins were stabbing me all over. Immediately, I thought of the two vultures that are feeding my family member lies and destroying our family. Believe me, this pain alone will top any lifetime movie you have ever seen. Anger burned inside of me like fire for the two vultures. How could they feed my family member such lies?!?!?! They have broken our family apart. Don’t they care they are hurting us? How could they be so careless and cruel?!?!?!

And then, A little voice told me at 3:18 this morning “pray for them.”

“No.” I told the voice.

My feet continued to burn like hot coals. (Can I just say I don’t know why they burn?!?!) I had to take a melatonin to calm down.

Finally,  I did it. I got out of my bed to pray for them. On My knees and through clenched teeth, I prayed for God to bless them and help them to prosper in life. I also prayed for the offender and his family.

I’m not going to tell you I had that warm and fuzzy feeling afterwards. I didn’t.  Sometimes I think I’m more angry at the vultures than I am at the offender.

Today, Sunday morning, I am starting all over. That’s what they say in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? To take it day by day? One step at a time? I’ve discovered that explaining/talking about my PROJECT FORGIVE EVERYBODY will not work for me so I will not. It ain’t like they read my blog anyway. 😂  I will continue to pray to those that have hurt me and try my hardest not slander them or try to “repay evil for evil.”

I’m heading out in a mission trip today..

Send prayers my way. For me. For the children who will be put in my care. For the houses we will build in New Orleans and for my FORGIVENESS PROJECT.  

I Jumped In The Jug: Day 3  

IMG_2887.JPG

It’s official. I’m a murderer. After paying my neighbor to feed my goldfish while I was out of town, (which cost more than the fish themselves) I came home only to kill them myself. How? Poison. Too much algae eater. They were so excited to see mommy return, they swam happily to the top. “Feed us!”  They yelped through their tiny mouths.

Hovering over them with my magic bottle of poison in hand, I thought “a little extra algae eater won’t hurt one bit.”

It did. All 10 are floaters.

If that isn’t bad enough, I’ve been drunk for the past 36 hours. I’ll admit it.  I didn’t plan on it, I thought I could handle one snide remark here, one comment there…but let me just tell you….one sip of poison and that’s all it took. I started talking about the hurt and before I knew what was going on I discovered I had hopped head first right into that giant jug of poison we all call unforgiveness. I think I may need to join FFA: Forgiveness Failures Anonymous. Sheesh.
But I can explain… It’s not all my fault……

Ok so it is ALL my fault.

First of all, Day 3, I tried several times, with about 70% success –  I must gloat – of avoiding speaking about the offender with my friend Viola. She called and asked me what I’ve been up to and I excitedly explained my

FORGIVE EVERYONE PROJECT.  

Bad idea. 

Why?

Because then, like Jobs friends in the Bible, they all have their own opinions. Now usually, I would want them to slander ‘said offender’ but when I’m trying to commit to stop talking about the entire situation, they (my friends) attempt to console me and say things like: “Well I don’t totally agree with all RT’s suggestions. You need to talk about what happened…. Don’t bottle it in.” And  “RT said to save face??? Oh no, he needs a punch in the face not to have his ugly face saved!”  Vern exclaimed!  (Yes, I told her about my project too)

When describing my Forgiveness project to others, I discovered that it just brought back bad memories and actually found I was defending myself for trying to forgive the offender. 

I’m squeaking through Day 3 and am proud of myself for not divulging my project any further when I went to see my friend Kerry over a glass of wine. This is difficult because Kerry went through a divorce four months ago and has already found a new love to focus on.  Still, I zipped my lips and inhaled no poison.  I just smiled and listened.  Through clenched teeth.

Some girls have all the luck.

BUT ….

I know that God will NOT ever bring someone into my life as long as I am holding into this hate. I know I must forgive. 

I came home from Kerry’s house; feeling slightly sad and unnerved but was happy I had refrained from discussing my project with one more person.  If you don’t remember, the night before, I slept ZERO because I had three separate nightmares. I’m blaming it on all that praying.  So this night, I cheat and take two Advil PM, I had to rest. And I did.

I did have one dream though and it was about my daughter and I. We were in a race and somebody told us “if you take this road, you can get to the finish line much faster.” Of course we took the easier and shorter route. And of course my daughter fell and hurt her ankle. As a result, we missed out on the entire race and had to watch all the others cross the finish line, all winners. I looked down at my child’s ankle thinking “I wonder if it really wasn’t a reason to keep going, maybe she wasn’t hurt as bad I had thought?” I pulled up the sack of ice on her ankle and good grief!!! Her ankle was all broke and distorted.

I’m not a dream interpreter but it seems to me that if we take short cuts in life and always look for the easiest roads – all while dragging our children behind, we will Most likely end up hurt and watching others succeed as we lay crippled on the sidelines. 

Not good. Not the mother God raised me to be…..

I begin day 4 promising I will put down the bottle of poison.